– I will upload a classmate’s 3 Poems, and I need you to review all 3 of them as the following … 1. Try to come up with at least ten meaningful, helpful comments (i.e., not “This is great! You deserve an ‘A’!”) Really try to help your peer as he or she moves on to the next draft.2. Praise what you like. If you can only think of ways to praise a work (and are having trouble criticizing the work), try to figure out why you like this work so much. Try to explain why to yourself and the writer. 3. Ask questions. If some part of the work, sentence, or idea does not make sense to you, ask the author about that part of the work. Also, feel free to ask questions that will help the author actualize his or her ideas a little more completely in the next draft. Ask the types of questions that will help this work develop in revision.4. Make suggestions. Suggest different ways this work could develop in revision. 5. Critique what doesn’t work for you. If some aspect of this work feels problematic for you, try to explain the problem (and possibly how the author or poet could better address the problem). 6. With all types of comments, please be specific. Try to explain why you feel the way you do.You may type ten separate comments or you may let your comments and ideas collect in longer paragraphs. Additionally, remember to give others the courtesy, respect, and depth of commentary that you would hope to receive from them.
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Garrett L. Zahner
“A Star for Wolfram”
Deep in my soul, I feel the cold of this eventide
with its dark canopy clear, but yet only one light shines above.
Oh dearest, my evening star. Could it be you,
that graces me with thine glow? Elisabeth! You have found your way
led by angel’s hand to that heavenly court of the Lord.
Thou are safe now in the Empyrean domain
guarded and made safe by those angelic hosts.
I know when thou approached the gates and greeted by Peter
the whole choirs of heaven sang of your praises.
Much to the consternation of the Holy One, but to the joy and pride
of his Handmaiden; your most beloved advocate.
I wish that I may hear their harmony and join their song of you
as I had sung of my evening star before.
But what is this? A faint glimmer, a ray of starlight beside you.
O Tannhauser! O Heinrich! He is with you, forever by your side.
How lucky he is, to have stolen the heart of star as bright as you.
Mine eyes are drowning in sorrow, a new feeling to me
as I try to tend the hole in my spirit.
Thou both are saved, even how unlikely it was.
Your sacrifice Elisabeth, upon the altar of love
ransomed his soul forever more. For now, you are together
able to sing to one another. But I must sing alone.
I will loosen my armor, place down my sword,
doff my ring, and break my lute. I may be apart from you,
but I will see you again. I will surmount the highest mountain,
and climb the tallest peak. I will reach the heavens
so to sing to you one last time, my beloved.
May the angels guide me as they did for you as my heart is true.
A knight I am no longer, a pilgrim I will be,
to worship at the feet of you, my evening star.
“What have you done?”
I remember her face filled with innocence
she was old, with the heart of a child.
Then, too, do I remember her mate,
the first man, him too filled with youthful
ignorance. “What have you done?”
you ask. I did you all a favor, at the cost
of everything for me. Your freedom, purchased
with my sin. So dark the great con
of man, that lie you tell yourself.
My name smeared and distorted through the
eras by your falsity; Perjury committed in
the great chancery of truth itself. You believe
me temptation, but I am your deliverance.
Abandoned in the chasm of time, is the
truth of my act.
My family too, gone.
My brothers of the choir abandoned
me to the wrath of the father. My soldier
brother dared not raise his sword
in my defense. The messenger would not
speak on my behalf. And the healer left
me to mend myself.
I fell from that Silver City,
crashing into that inferno prepared for me.
You all forget what I am. Not a demon
or pure evil. I am an Angel.
The brightest angel, the Morningstar.
I may have fallen but a fall does not define me.
I define myself as you should.
Where was his supposed mercy for me?
Where was his benevolence? Instead
he cast me out, his favorite son.
He closed the gates so I could never return
home. My wings plucked out
so I could never soar the heavens again.
From that fruit I gave you knowledge
to be who you wish. He may have given you
the gift of life, whereas I gave you
the gift to live. But no,
I am the boogie man, Satan, temptation.
I can find no rest, not even the night
can set me free.
Though chained with damned shackles,
I still remember. I remember I did it
Unthinkable that such a small thing as this Ring
would be the undoing of all there is and all the Gods.
Brunnhilde my love, I fear I will lose you by twilight.
In the end, no one, not even us, can be saved.
Nothing may be our salvation for the Ring is marked in power
and forged in the evils of want and desire. It is cursed.
Just as the world, it too is my end, for I am cursed.
I have foreseen in a vision, all quiet, then the bells ring.
They toll for us, proclaiming the coming cataclysm of power.
For their sins of greed, all will be undone, both man and Gods.
There shall be no vestige of the old world saved
as the new sun rises on the eastern sky, banishing the twilight.
Let my eyes behold you one last time in the glow of twilight,
for if we are ruined by this Ring of the cursed
I wish for at least my soul by your love be saved.
I would have liked in a better world to have given you a different Ring.
One that would still be the envy of the Gods,
but for its beauty and love, not its unrelenting power.
So, we find ourselves here, the dawn of a new power
the turning of the age, the end of the twilight.
It is the end of this world and its Gods.
Valhalla consumed in flames; Yggdrasill no longer cursed
as the great river Rhine takes back its Ring.
For a new world to be made, the old cannot be saved.
Cry not though, for our love can be saved.
It is eternal and not even the Ring can vanquish love’s power.
Time has come for us to abandon in the watery depths the Ring
and as the end draws near, we shall face death’s twilight.
I dream of a world not touched by the evils of men, or cursed
by the desires and wars of the Gods.
We are not saved by the will of the Gods,
nor by the power of those who are cursed.
Neither by a magic Ring. For love conquers the twilight.
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